What do you do when you don’t know what to do? Or more difficult yet, what do you do when you don’t want to do anything but you know you need to be doing something?
That’s where I’ve lived for the past two months.
I thought that having surgery would fix everything and that I would begin to feel more energized, more like my “normal” self, more like being productive and getting things done.
But honestly, I don’t.
Everyone asks me, “How are you feeling?” And I feel like I need to report some major progress, like the expectations on me to recover and be back to normal are very high. Even though that’s not really the case – it’s just my projection of what I think other people are thinking.
And it’s not just physical or mental.
I’ve had a hard time getting back into any kind of a routine with my spiritual life. (I know, I know. Bad admission for a pastor to make.) But I’ve had a hard time getting into a routine with my normal disciplines – reading, journaling, etc. And when I am doing those things, it just feels…dry. I kind of feel stuck.
So what do you do when you’re in a place like that? Especially when you are a leader?
I don’t know that there are any simple answers. I know that I’m not in a “dark night of the soul” place where I’m not seeing God work or hearing His voice. I know that I’m grateful; I know that He is good; I know that He is with me.
I’m just tired, and tired of being tired.
So what I do is this – I just keep on keeping on. I’ve gone back to some basics – making sure I’m spending time reading the Bible every day, especially the Psalms and the Gospels. I’m trying to make time every day to sit in silence with God, whether I journal or not. I look for things for which to be thankful, and I give thanks for them. I enjoy my time with my girls, and with my friends. I play worship music and I soak with it. And I take a little time each evening to sit outside, get some fresh air, and look at the woods.
I’m working on getting enough sleep and exercise and on eating healthier, because I can control those things.
I keep doing my job, and I keep doing my ministry. I keep showing up. I keep doing what I’m supposed to do, what I’m required to do, and what I know to do.
And, I wait. Because I know this is a season, and I know it will pass. I know that it won’t always be this way. I know I can’t just will myself out of this; I know I can trust my Father. I know He is with me, and I know He will work out something good in me through this.
And, I know that somehow, this will help me to be a blessing to others in some way in the future.
So if you’re going through a dry time…keep on going. You won’t be there forever. Even if it feels like it at times.
“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6 (NIV)
He will complete that good work in you. And in me!